Chapter 7: Saturday

Normality 7- Saturday

My sobs ceased some time ago, but I’m frozen in place. The cool darkness of the wardrobe is soothing, and I can’t find myself able to get up. My butt has long since gone to sleep, and still I hold my legs to my chest tightly. I think I doze throughout the night, I’m not sure. The morning sunlight eventually starts to thread through the cracks in the door, creeping towards me, bathing me in it’s minute warmth. I can feel that the heat of the blazing sun is raising the temperature outside, but I still shiver with cold in my small oasis of darkness.

Everything is different, but the same. Hot and cold, fast and slow, busy and calm. I ride it out till I’m exhausted. At some point in the night I’ve brought out the small slip of paper from my pocket, the one with three phone numbers on it. I keep thinking that, maybe if I call him, everything will be alright, he’ll make everything right again. But I can’t seem to face leaving my safe haven. So I clutch it in my fist and lose myself again.

Mother never came home from the night before. I’m not surprised. She does this every so often. She’ll return at some point around lunchtime, still in the clothes from the night before but with mussed hair and smeared makeup. Her casual views of sex always unsettle me. The thought of the amounts of random sex she’s getting seems so dirty and cheap to me, like it’s something to throw around and give away to anyone who asks.

The first thing to break me out and pull me into the present is the sound of knocking on the front door. Three quick knocks echo through the hollow emptiness of the house. I can’t help but slowly, shakily unfurl my arm from my legs and reply to the knocks with my own on the door of my wardrobe.

Knock knock knock.

I leave my fist resting on the wood and listen. The knocks come again, this time louder. Again I reply to them. Soon they continue non-stop and I keep up with them, small little raps with my knuckles against the door right next to me.

When they stop, so do I and I go back to staring into the darkness. Until I hear the door open, and the sound of footsteps reach my ears.

Usually I would say it was Mother, but instead of the usual clack of her heels in the foyer, I hear heavy footsteps. Also I realise that Mother wouldn’t need to knock. I can hear the person moving around downstairs and I’m frozen in panic.

There’s someone in my house.

I’m completely still and silent as I listen to the footsteps. They seem to be in a rush, going in a out of rooms, searching for something. So many different scenarios play out in my head. A burglar, a murderer, someone looking for Mother.  Before I have time to do anything, the footsteps reach the staircase, and start to climb.

My hands are clammy and my throat dry as I listen to the person climb the steps one at a time, until they pause at the second to top step. Everything is silent for a second and my heart beats loudly in my ears.

Then, I hear a tentative voice call out down the hallway.

“Bella?”

All at once my breath leaves me in a whoosh, my body relaxing and the pounding in my heart slows, giving me some respite. I would recognise that voice anywhere. It’s the same voice that whispered against my hair as he held me the day before, that chatted excitedly to me about anything and everything that came to mind.

Edward’s here.

I want to go to him, to crawl out of this tiny wardrobe and fall into him arms. But I’m frozen. I don’t know if I can let him see me like this. I know I must look terrible, and if he sees me I know he’s going to run for the hills. My indecision leaves me in a state of flux. I can’t pull myself out of my head to try and call out to him. Instead I’m stuck and drowning.

Then I hear him stop just outside the open door to my bedroom, his pause leading to another bout of silence. He shuffles further in, most likely taking in the state of the room. My beloved book is still in tatters on the floor. Mother would in no way even contemplate cleaning it up herself.

Suddenly, Edward calls out again, and knocks twice on the bedroom door just after.

“Bella?” Knock knock.

I still can’t answer him but I find my hand raising once again towards the wardrobe door.

Knock knock.

Everything goes still again and I hold my breath in anticipation. Please let him hear me. Please let him find me. If he doesn’t I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to get out of this wardrobe on my own.

The next minute I hear his footsteps hurry across the room towards me. I hear him shuffling around on the other side of the door, so close but still separated. Then I hear his voice down at my level, as though he’s kneeling. He speaks quieter this time.

“Bella? Are you in there sweetheart?”

When I don’t answer I hear two cautious knocks sound on the door. When I tentatively answer them I hear him let out a sigh.

“I’m going to open the door. Ok? Knock twice if you want to to open the door Bella.”

Without hesitating I knock twice. Almost immediately the door begins to swing open, slowly but surely. The brightness blinds me, and I firmly bury my head in my knees. Almost immediately I feel his hands on me, one reaching up to stroke my hair and one resting lightly on the arm. Then he starts to panic.

“Bella. What’s wrong?! Why do I see blood? Are you hurt? Bella, look at me! please!”

I slowly lift my head to meet his gaze. He lets out a harsh breath as he gets a look at my aching, bruised face. I see tears swim in his eyes.

Finally I break.

I launch myself at him, flinging my arms around his neck and draping myself across his lap. I want to be as close to him as possible. I want him to hold me, to protect me. As I feel his strong arms wrap around me I break down even more and sob into his chest.

“It’s ok, my Beautiful Bella. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

He whispers sweet words in my ear and I can’t help but feel like this is where I belong. I don’t ever want to leave here, leave his embrace.

“Edward.” My voice comes out harsh and crackled, having been punished from my night of crying and sobbing. I’m soaking his shirt with snot and tears, but Edward just hold me tighter.

“I’m here Bella, and I’m never going to let you go.” I let go of my blocks, let out my emotions, and Edward holds me as I lose it.

Edward does as he promised, and holds onto me tightly, rocking me gently back and forth. He knows exactly what to do to calm me down.

When I’ve recovered enough, I can’t help but ask. “How did you find me?” He answers me immediately.

“529 steps.”

I’m confused. I lean back a bit to see his face. “Huh?”

“It was 10:52, and you hadn’t shown up yet. I knew right away something was wrong so...”

His cheeks pinken with embarrassment. “I knew what direction you usually went in, so I started walking and counting. When I got here I just had to hope this was your house, and that it wasn't someone elses. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t of been so forward as to practically break in to your house.”
“No!” I exclaim quickly. “I’m glad you did. I was so stuck and I don’t know how much longer I would have been in there...” I trail off and blush. I just basically admitted to being too screwed up to find my way out of a cupboard. Edward’s expression turns stony. I think he’s..upset?

“What happened Bella? Who did this to you. Was it your Mother?” His voice is so serious and I realise he’s concerned about me. I feel a weight lift from my chest. I have someone who cares about me, who will look after me as much as he can. It feels so surreal, yet so good. And I now that I would do everything in my power to look after him too, to make him happy.

I know I have to tell him the truth, but I’m so ashamed of the hold that Mother has over me. I lean my forehead gently against his chest and breath deeply, before nodding once.

“Tell me what happened Bella.” His voice is gentle and coaxing, but I know he won’t take no for an answer. I try to get it out in a why he will understand.

“I...I was reading...she doesn’t like me to read, and she caught me, when she came home yesterday. She...my book, she...” I can’t help it. The tears return as I look around at the confetti lying around us. My voice comes out as a harsh whisper. “...she destroyed it.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

I’m on a roll. I can’t stop. I have to get it out.

“And then...I...she said I haven’t written enough. She took it, and I didn’t want her to take it. I tried to keep it from her. But she....” my hand comes up to cup my cheek as I remember the feel of her palm on me, of the burn of her ring as it gouged into my flesh. Edwards hand joins mine and I look up at him. He looks determined.

“Sweetheart, tell me. Were you in there all night?” When I look into his eyes, I know I have to tell the truth. There’s no other way. At my hesitant nod, Edward’s face crumples in agony.

“I can’t let you stay here with her. You can come with me, to Seattle. I know it will be hard for you, but I want you to. You can live with me, we can live together. She will never be able to hurt you ever again.”

Oh how I want to say yes. I want to let him swept me off, and I’d never be alone again. I want it to be true, but a small part of me knows that no one can ever love me. It would just be temporary. Sooner or later he would get sick of me, and I’d be even more alone than before. To be able to experience that feeling, the feeling of being loved and cherished, and then having it ripped away would be more than I could bare.

It’s like he knows what I’m thinking, like he can read it in my eyes. Because what he says next blows me off my feet.

“I’m falling in love with you Bella.” My breathing hitches, my vision blurs, my hands clench in the fabric of his shirt, my chest heaves. This can’t be true. It’s all I ever wanted and it’s happening, right in front of me. “I knew the moment I met you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Four days is all It took to fall in love with you. What will it take for you to believe me?”

Even though I don’t understand my own feelings, I has some sort of implicit knowledge, and from that I know that he’s telling the truth. The emotion in his face and in his words sink right into me.

“Tell me again. Tell me you love me.” The words come out before I realise it. I want to hear him say it so much. He leans his forehead against mine, his sweet, warm breath ghosting gently across my face.

“I love you Bella.”

And I believe him.

“I’ll come with you.”

Edwards eyes widen at my statement, but he recovers quickly, and a smile forms across his face.

“Ok, lets go. Lets do it. We can pack up some of your stuff and be gone as soon as possible.”

“Just my notebooks.”

He looks at me in surprise. “What about clothes? Trinkets?”

I shake my head. “Just the notebooks. That’s all I need.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

He gets straight to work. I mention the boxes in the attic, from when we moved in two years before. He leaves to get them and returns in a flash, quickly clearing my bookshelves and carefully storing the books in the boxes. I watch and try to wrap my head around what's happening. I’m leaving. I know it’s going to be hard. I anticipate many panic attacks and blackouts. But I also know that this is the best thing. I need to get away from her. From her controlling, her abuse. And I know that Edward will look after me. I know that with everything I am. All the emotions that have been swirling around inside me for the past week are making another appearance. For once I take the time to stop and study them. There’s so many different feelings that I’ve never encountered before, that I’m trying to figure out.

“Edward?”

He looks up from where he is across the room, busy closing up the last box with some tape he found in the attic. “Yeah?”

“I think I love you.” I know I sound uncertain. I definitely feel uncertain. But I’m getting there, and I know that the base of my feelings are love. It’s what I’ve always craved, what Mother could never give me. And now that I can feel it within me, I know that love is definitely what it is.

I feel nervous, uncertain as I keep my gaze focussed on Edward. In an instant, his intense, concerned expression melts into a breathtaking smile. He jumps to his feet, propels towards me and gathers me into his arms.

“I’m know your really confused and scared right now, but you have no idea how happy I am that you said that. I love you so much. I’m looking forward to the day you know for sure that you love me, but this is more than enough for now.”

We both gaze at each other, silly grins plastered on our faces.

Everything is going to be ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten minutes later I’m feeling anything but ok. Edward ran back to the coffee shop to get his car and all my notebooks are now stashed neatly in his trunk. We’re all set to head off, but I’m struggling with what he’s asking of me.

“Please Bella. We’ll go to the police station on our way, we can’t let her get away with this.” I don’t want to.

“But...if she knew I went to the police...” I can feel myself panicking already.

“She won’t be able to do anything. Look at me Bella.” He lifts my face so i can meet his gaze. All I can see is love and sincerity emanating from him. “I will look after you. We don’t even have to file charges, we could just get a restraining order. Then she can’t come after you. Ok?”

I know he’s right, this is the only way I know that she won’t get her mitts into me again. I know I can’t ever go back to living with her, and I only hope that she’ll let me go without a fight, that she won't come looking for me. She always said I was a burden. Hopefully she’ll be happy to see the last of me.

My inner musings keep me occupied till we get to the police station, then I rely on Edward to get me through. He knows exactly how to keep me calm. He never leaves my side, and keeps my hands firmly grasped within his. Even so, it’s the most stressful experience on my life. Not only is there a lot of people milling around, but a lot of them are focussed on me, especially with how my face looks. They take pictures of my face and arm, and write down a quick statement that Edwards helps me get through. Only then can I clean up, wiping away the dried blood and tears with tissue and water. Edward makes sure to carefully clean my wounds and wrap my arm in a bandage, just to be safe. Then, since I refuse to press charges, its pretty simple.

A restraining order, and we’re free to go.

Edward makes sure to leave his number to make sure we get updates and we walk out hand in hand, into the intense afternoon heat. He gently pulls us to a stop and wraps his arms around me. I burrow into him and let out a few deep breaths.

“I’m so proud of you, my Beautiful Bella.” I nod, and pull myself away. If I take too much time to stop and think, I know it’s going to be bad.

“Let’s go.”

It isn’t until we're pulling out of the parking lot that Edward starts explaining the plan. His explanation makes my heart stop.

“I missed my flight earlier, but we’ll go straight there and I’ll book us something else. We should be in Seattle by tonight.”

“No!” My breathing accelerates, I can feel my chest seizing up. It seems so anticlimactic that out of all the major changes that have happened today, it’s the final, tiny thing that sets me off. Everything that has built up all day crests in a tsunami of panic that washes over me I one foul swoop.

Edward pulls over. I think I’m scaring him. I know I’m freaking out. Unintelligible sounds are coming out of my mouth and I can’t stop them. My scalp burns from where I’m tugging my hair. He’s trying to stop me, trying to pull my hands towards him. I fight against him, but inwardly I want his help. He tries to sooth me by gently rubbing my hands, making concentric circles with his thumbs. It helps a little, but I’m still inconsolable. I don’t know how long I lash out for, but eventually I've calmed down, only a little.

My senses return, like a layer of cotton wool being lifted. I can hear Edward as he whispers to me urgently.

“Tell me what’s wrong Bella. Please Bella. Tell me what’s wrong. Talk to me...”

Over and over he asks me, pleading me to tell him what he can do. I try, I work myself up to it, gathering my wits and pushing through my panic.

“No planes. Please.”

Once it’s out I can relax. All I can think about is the last time. The first time we moved away from Dad. My first time on a plane. The time Mother insisted that because of my illness I needed to be strapped to my seat. The feeling of being restrained, tied up,  was so traumatizing that I haven’t set foot on a plane since. It was the only thing that I could throw a tantrum about, and get away with.

But I told him. I got through my panic to tell him what’s wrong. Even though I’m still feel like I’m in the middle of an unending battle with myself, I can’t help but feel proud of myself. Edward nods in agreement.

“Ok, no planes. Thats fine. We can drive back. Anything you want Bella.”

He gets back onto the road, pulling out his cellphone as he goes. He talks for a while, and vaguely I realise he’s telling the rental company that he wants car for longer, that he’ll return it to their office in Seattle. It’s such a relief to know that we won't be flying, that I give up trying to stay in contact with reality anymore. I got through the day, but now there’s so much uncertainty ahead, I don’t even know how to start processing it.

We pass the Farewell from Phoenix sign, speeding toward LA along the I-10 with the late afternoon sun beating down on the never ending road ahead of us. I curl up in the fetal position and finally close my eyes. As we drive away from everything I know, everything I’m comfortable with, I fall back to my old failsafe to keep me sane.

Not everything is perfect...I cannot change it...I cannot control it...just let it be....

~~~~~~~~~~~~