Chapter 5: Friday Morning

Normality 5 - Friday Morning

Tomorrow. Edward goes home tomorrow.

That’s all I can think as I enter the coffee shop and head towards our corner. Our corner, which used to be my corner, and will become my corner again after tomorrow. I don’t want him to go but I know there’s no way I can get him to stay.

As always, Edward looks perfect. He isn’t reading the paper today, instead he has a thick stack of paper covered in small font typing. It looks like a report of some sort. Edward is very focussed, his eyes flying across the page and him brow furrowed in concentration. I can’t help but think he looks very cute, with his tousled Crazy-Hair falling slightly into his eyes, his light blue shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He still doesn’t notice me as I approach.

Before I can stop myself, I lean over and gently push a few strands of hair away from his eyes. When he looks up to meet my gaze his face softens into a light smile. As I try to pull my hand away, slightly mortified by my forward actions, he snags in the pulls it down towards him. Before I can think he places a quick, light kiss on the palm of my hand, so light it feels like a small gust of air, sending tingles down my fingers. My breathing hitches, and I can’t seem to pull my eyes away from his.

“Good Morning, Beautiful.”

My blush is instant. “Hi.” I chew on my lip to try and hide my embarrassed smile. Upon the realisation that I’m still standing over him I move round to my chair and sit down. Although his greeting is sweet, I can’t help but wonder if he means it. I’ve never been called beautiful before. I was called pretty once, but never beautiful. I’m too plain and boring. My clothes aren’t fancy, my shoes are just scruffy trainers and I don’t wear any makeup at all. I wouldn’t know what to do with the stuff.

Glancing around the store, I study the other patrons. They all look so much...better than me. I can’t help but pay attention to the two girls across the room from us. They look to be about my age. One is wearing a dress, bright and colourful with flowers on it. Her hair is long, straight and blonde, falling around her shoulders. The other has shiny black hair, tied in a perfect ponytail, and is wearing a knee length skirt and a tank top. They both look beautiful, laughing together over their drinks and chatting excitedly. He should be calling them beautiful, not me.

I can’t help but fiddle with the hem of my shirt. My boring, plain shirt. It’s royal blue today, but the same style as every day. Plain shirt, one size too big. My jeans are slightly baggy too. I’ve never been one for tight clothing. Not since I hit puberty at least. It’s easier that way. I don’t want to call attention to myself. Not like Mother does all the time.

“Bella. Look at me.”

I don’t want to. I don’t want to face him. He’s so perfect and handsome and sweet. I can feel myself sinking again, into that place, the place that I used to visit so often before I met Edward. My visits have become less frequent lately. I’m trying to stop it but all I can think is that I don’t deserve to be here with Edward, and even if I did deserve it, deserve him, he’s going to be gone tomorrow anyway.

“Bella!”

I look up finally. He looks concerned, and I realise it’s because I’ve somehow pulled up my legs to my chest without realising it and I’m rocking slightly, back and forth. The repetitive movement is usually soothing, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I fist my hand in my ponytail and tug firmly, matching my pulling to my rocking. In some part of the confused brain I recognise that I’m embarrassed for him to see me like this, so broken and exposed. But on another level I’ve reached a point of numbness. Everything's locked away and I’ve become as emotionless as the doctors believe me to be.

This time is different to my other times. Usually I go numb, and then I go under. I go blank for a while and I don’t remember anything afterwards, other than the choking blackness. This time I'm still here. I can still see and hear things. Most importantly I can see Edward, but his face is a lot closer than it was a minute ago. I realise it’s because at some point he has moved around the table to kneel in front of me.

He looks so concerned. All I can do is stare at his face, at the worry wrinkles on his forehead, the misty green eyes, at the hypnotizing movement of his lips. I can hear the soothing buzz of his voice in the background, but I can’t make out what he’s saying.

I’ve given up fighting it now. I’ll just have to ride it out, till the numbness goes away, till I can function again.

I can also see Angela in the background. She comes over and talks to Edward quietly. She looks concerned as well, but not as much as Edward. This is nothing she hasn’t seen before. I think she has explained to Edward what’s happening, because he grabs his chair and brings it around next to me, like yesterday. Next minute I vaguely feel his fingers grasp my wrist and unclasp my fingers from my ponytail. He threads my fingers between his own, placing a gentle kiss on the outside of my hand, before gently resting them on the arm of my chair.

I love the feel of his hand in mine, the warmth of his skin, the softness of his palm. I could get used to it, addicted to it even. I ride out the numbness, with him at my side.

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“I’m not beautiful.”

Edward starts at the sound of my voice. He’s been staring at me. I’ve been ‘awake’ for a few minutes now. Instead of letting him know, I’ve been taking deep breathes, concentrating on the air in my lungs and trying to keep calm. As I speak I can feel that my lip is tender. I’ve been biting it again. I need to make sure I stop that, or I’ll draw blood. I have in the past.

I’m tired. These episodes often wipe me out. I hate that I don’t know what will trigger them. Sometimes it’s something big that gets me, such as a major change in my routine or an outburst from Mother. But other times, like today, it’s just a case of me overthinking things and becoming overwhelmed because of my own stupid brain. When my differences just seem too big, and no matter what, I can’t fit in with the people around me.

I can’t help but rest my head against Edwards shoulder. When I lean against him like this, it makes me feel supported, like I’m not alone anymore. Gently, he presses his lips to my forehead, giving a sweet, chaste kiss likes ones that I’ve read about in books. I can’t help but sigh in pleasure at the feeling of his lips on me, his warm breath against my skin.

“I think you’re beautiful. You’re my beautiful Bella.”

And just like that, he makes everything ok. My breathing finally settles, my thoughts slow, and my tense muscles relax. I then realise that as long as Edward likes me for who I am, that’s all that matters.

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“I don’t want you to go.” My voice is hard, unflinching. For perhaps the first time in my life, I want to fight for something I want, I want to fight for Edward. I don’t know if this feeling will pass, but right now there is nothing I want more in this world than for Edward to stay with me. I feel like if we part today, I will never see him again.

“Bella, you have no idea how much I don’t want to leave you.” His voice sounds distressed, and I can feel my pain entwining with his. I swivel in my seat to bury my face in his chest, grasping large fistfulls of his shirt in my hands and trying to hold in the tears that want to flow. I’ve never been one for tears, but I’ve also never had something that I want to hold on to so vehemently, that I don’t want to lose. Edwards arms come up to envelop me, and I feel safe.

“There’s nothing I want more than to keep getting to know you, to spend all my time with you. But I have a life in Seattle, and family there as well.” At his words, I can feel myself begin to shake. I’m going to miss him so much.

“I would suggest you come with me but...”

I sigh. “I...I can’t. I don’t think I can...”

“Shhhh. I know. I know you can’t. You have your world here. I would never ask you to leave it.”

His words settle in me. He so conscious of what I need, it amazes me. I know he would never do anything to upset me, and he understands that it’s not just as easy as to pack up and leave for me.

But I wish it was that easy.

For the first time in my life, I wish I wasn’t so tethered to this stupid place, to my stupid routines. I wish I could follow Edward, stay with him forever. But because of my stupid brain I can’t. It makes me sad, and really angry. Angry because I don’t know why I ended up the way I did, why my life is so twisted and strange. Especially when I look at the people around me, and I look at Edward. I want so much to be like them. And I’m sad because the one person who could make me feel like everyone else, is leaving for good.
“You're the only one who makes me feel normal.”

We sit for a moment, me in his arms, before he gently nudges my cheek to bring my eyes up to his.

“You have no idea how sad it makes me that you admit that. All I want to do is show you that you’re one of the most normal, amazing people I know.”

I feel a tear travel down my cheek, then Edward swipes his thumb across to brush it away.

“I’ll be back tomorrow Bella. For sure. I’ll come and see you before I have to leave to catch my plane. I’ll give you my phone number now, so if you ever want to call me, anytime, I’ll always be there for you. Ok?”

No. I want you to stay with me forever.

“Ok.”

Edward nods and leans down to snag a spare piece of paper from his briefcase. With a pen from his pants pocket he proceeds to note down three different numbers, before folding it up to give it to me.

“This has my Cell Phone number, my home number and my parents number. If you can’t get hold of me, my parents should know where I am.”

“Ok.” I take it from him, my hand shaking slightly, and shove it deep into my pocket. I don’t want to lose it. Then I grasp his shirt again, and he tightens his arms around me once again. I belong here.

But the place I belong is leaving tomorrow.

Edward is stroking my hair. I can feel his long fingers gently tugging along the strands, stopping just above my hair tie. The repetitive movement of his hand calms me so much that, although I’m drowning in misery, I’m also calm and collected. It amazes me how much he affects me.

“I think it’s almost time for you to go home, beautiful.”

I know. My internal clock is telling me that it’s 11.52, and that it’s time to walk the 529 steps home. But I’m still trying to deny the invertible. At my silence, Edward lets out a sad sigh.

“Come on, I’ll walk you out. I know that you're probably itching to follow your routines.”

He knows me too well already. I reluctantly unclench my fingers from his shirt and stand, dragging my feet on the way to the door. I want to connect myself to Edward again, but he’s carrying his jacket and briefcase and I’m gripping my notebook tightly. Angela waves to us on our way out. I notice that she’s sad. It makes me feel sad too. I’m noticing her emotions a lot more nowadays. I give her a small wave in return, then hurry out the door.

I automatically start counting the second I’m out the door, but Edward remembers from last time.

“Bella. Wait for a moment. What step are you on?”

I freeze. “Four.”

“Ok, I’ll remember it for you.” He’s stands right next to me, and puts down his things so he can take one of my hands and hold it in both of his.

“Please don’t worry about this too much Bella.” I let out a sarcastic snort. That’s going to be impossible. For the moment I try to focus on his fingers as they gently rub my hand, drawing patterns along my skin. “We can keep in contact. You can call me anytime, or if you give me your phone number, I can call you. But I will definately see you tomorrow, without a doubt.”

I nod. It’s all I can do. There’s a lump in my throat at the thought of what tomorrow will bring.

“Hey, it’s ok.” He rests his forehead against mine gently, and I can’t help but swoon. With him so near, I feel comforted and at peace. “We will see each other again. You won’t get rid of me that easily, Beautiful.” I can’t help but give him a watery smile. I feel him shift as he raises his head to press his lips against my forred again. Those sweet kisses will be the death of me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good afternoon.” I’m a bit dazed, so it takes me a minute to reply.

“Bye, Edward.” It’s comes out breathy, as part of an exhale. He starts to wander down the sidewalk in the opposite direction to my house, but spins around to shoot me a cheeky grin at my discordant farewell.

“You’re on step four, my Beautiful Bella.”

I grin back, and proceed to count on my way home. My thoughts are jumbled, and now that I’m out of Edwards presence, my panic levels begin to rise again. I try to get myself under control, try to focus on the number incrementing automatically in my mind as I walk.

This time, counting my footsteps isn’t enough to settle to torrents of emotions. For the first time in four days, I use my fall back. My tried and true, calm down technique.

Not everything is perfect...I cannot change it...I cannot control it...just let it be....

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