Chapter 4: Thursday

Chapter 4 - Thursday

I don’t bother to pull out my change today as I enter the coffee shop. I anticipate the same situation as yesterday. As I wander in, I can see Edward in the corner, leaning casually back into his armchair, reading the paper again. He looks up and sees me, raising a hand to wave me over. Glancing over to the counter I see Mike behind the counter. I don’t like Mike. There’s only two days a week that Angela doesn’t work, and only on those days do I have to deal with Mike. He makes me more nervous, which makes me stutter, and then he gets annoyed when I take too long to place my order. I’d rather not have to deal with him.

Instead of going over and trying to get Mike’s attention- he always has his head down, doing stuff on his phone- I decide to go straight over to my chair. Hopefully Edward has ordered me my hot chocolate.

“Hello Bella, how are you today?”

He looks so nice today. It looks like he’s tried to tame his hair, but he just made it angry. It’s sticking up even worse than it usually does. He’s not wearing his jacket, instead just a nice white shirt and black pants. His tie is loosened and I can see his jacket resting on the floor next to his brief case.

“I’m fine, how are you.”

He gives me cheeky grin. “Better now you're here.” I can’t help but blush. I feels weird that someone is admitting to wanting to spend time with me. That fact that he was looking forward to seeing me makes me feel special. I settle in my chair across from him once again, an addition to my routine that I have grown to love in only two days.

There’s a small voice in my head that’s telling me that this won't last, that it’s only temporary. On Saturday he goes back to Seattle, and he’ll probably never think of me again.

With that thought, I start to fiddle with my hands. Thinking about it hurts, so I flip open my notebook, my newly fixed notebook, and continue where I left off. If it bothers Edward that I’m not talking today, he doesn’t mention it. It's a comfortable silence though, one that makes me feel relaxed and content.

Soon enough Mike wanders over to place our drinks down. He looks at me curiously, his eyes flicking between me and Edward, before shrugging and walking away again. Today I'm determined to have at least some of my drink before it goes cold. For the past few days I’ve been so preoccupied that I forget it's there.

One look at my drink, however, and I consider just leaving it. While Angela always does the chocolate swirls perfectly symmetrical, Mike never bothers to do this for me. I’m sure he knows how I prefer it, as I’ve overheard Angela explain it to him numerous times, but he never does. I let out a sigh in frustration, and try to figure out how to proceed. Usually I would leave it, but I haven’t had a hot chocolate for the past two days, and I find that I miss them.

“Bella?” He’s asking me something, I can tell by the way he says my name. As always, he knows what I’m thinking and elaborates for me. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

I barely even hesitate. “The syrup is asymmetrical. Mike always does it asymmetrical. I can’t...” I try again to explain. I have to try and get this out. “Usually, I wouldn’t drink it. I’d just wait until tomorrow, when Angela’s working. But I really wanted to drink it today and that’s weird for me.”

His eyebrows furrow as he answers. “Weird? Weird how?” I struggle to find the words to explain, but when I start I find that it all flows out.

“My life is... is dictated by my routines.” I hesitate again, but one look at his face and I know he’ll listen, and not judge. “They tell me when to get up, when to eat, when to sleep. I can’t help but follow them, or else I freak out and end up having panic attacks. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that some deviations are necessary. But it all comes back to my routines in the end. They’re built around my need for structure and order, I understand that. I’ve always understood that, even if some people seem to think I’m too stupid to realise that how I act isn’t exactly normal.”

“Hey, what did I say about that word?” Edwards scolding was lighthearted, a slight smile on his face. I can’t help but smile in return. It seems he can make everything better.

“Ok fine, how I act doesn’t conform to social standards.” I raise an eyebrow at him, and he concedes to my amended statement. “But recently, I’ve been noticing some changes. Such as...” I take a deep breath, trying to untangle my thoughts. “I’m finding that I want to do things that don’t fit into my routines. And the only reason I can come up with to explain why I want to do these things is...I want to. Like my hot chocolate. Usually I wouldn’t drink it because it doesn’t match up to my need for symmetry, but I really want to today. I want to because I like the taste, and not because my inner monologue is telling me to. I don’t know what to think of it. It feels strange.”

He thinks for a minute before answering. “I think that’s a good thing. It means you’re growing, trying to expand out of your old habits. And even if it feels weird, I think you should try and go along with these new feelings.”

I contemplate this as I stare at my cup. I really want it. It’s still hot, I can see the steam curling up off the surface of the foam. Before I can second guess myself I grab the teaspoon resting next to it and carefully stir the top layer of foam, thoroughly mixing the chocolate syrup into the drink. When I’m done, there’s no hint of syrup, just plain foam. It’s like a switch has been flipped. As easy as pie, I plop in the two marshmallows and take a long sip. I can taste the strong, bitter chocolate mixed with the sweetness of the marshmallows. The foam is light in my mouth and the liquid hot and heavy as it spreads heat throughout my body. I’ve never enjoyed my hot chocolate this much. It’s like before this, it was a chore, a job to drink it and then keep going with my day. But now, I don’t want it to end. It tastes so good, like I’m tasting it for the first time.

I hold the mug with both hands, wrapping fingers around it and soaking in the excess heat. Even though it’s blazing with heat outside the coffee shop, I curl myself up in my chair, bringing my legs up and tucking them to my chest, as if to protect and savior the feelings surging through me.  

For the first time today, I meet Edwards gaze. It makes me catch my breath every time. My notebook is resting next to me, lodged between my leg and the arm of the chair. Usually I would pull it out about now and lose myself again, but today I don’t want to. It’s another one of these new feelings. I’m getting used to them, slowly but surely.

Edward motions to my notebook. “Do you want to do some writing?” I shake my head. He tries again. “Do you want to talk?” Bingo. At my nod he grins. “Well miss, I think it’s time for me to learn a bit more about you, seeing as you learnt so much about me yesterday.” I’m not too sure about this. I still can’t believe he wants to talk to me, let alone get to know me. It’s like he can sense my hesitation before even I can. “Don’t worry, I’ll start off easy, and if you don’t want to answer you don’t have to.” Sounds simple enough. I take a long sip from my mug then lean over to place it gently on the table, bringing my arms back to wrap around my legs. I’m ready.


“Ok first off...what’s your name?”

I’m confused. “Umm...Bella?”

“No silly, your full name.”

“Oh, um...Isabella Marie Swan.”

“Birthday?”

“September 13th.”
“Age?”

“21.”

“Goal in life?”

...well that escalated quickly.

“Um, I’ve never really thought past the next day. I’ve never needed to, or wanted to. The thought of so many things in the future being undecided, not planned out, is just...unsettling to me.” This makes him smile a little. I think he probably gets it by now. Routines = good.

“Well then what about a life dream. Something you've always wanted to do. There must be something you’ve thought of.”

“Well... I want to...” My voice level drops, trying to disguise my answer.

“...Fall in love.”

I can’t look at him. I’ve just told him something that I’ve never told anyone before, my deepest secret, my most precious desire.

I may not be good with social interactions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave what everyone else does. I want to find someone. Someone who will love me for me, and want to spend the rest of their life with me. I want someone who understands me, and I want the undeniable connection and passion that comes with that bond. I’ve read about it, seen it in movies and on TV. Occasionally I even see it in person, when a couple comes into the coffee shop that are so in love and enamored with each other. Maybe I can find someone to love me like that, to replace the love that I’ve never gotten from Mother.

I’ve seen Mother search for it too. Every six months or so she goes through a new boy toy, always claiming that this is the one, and that she’s going to rope him in. But in nevers proceeds past that first, nauseating stage of her relationship cycle. She always starts with sex, without fail. If they pass that test, she tries her darndest to propel them to the alter. Then they either wise up and escape while they can, or Mother gets bored and moves onto some other poor sucker. She used to go for the rich, married ones, but that was before we moved into the big house. Recently it’s been a string of worthless losers that look like models, but have the mental capacity and integrity of an ape.

I decided a long time ago that there is no guarantee of someones love unless they're married. Without marriage, all you’ve got is misguided hope and nothing to hold on to. Mother was married to my Father at one point, and he loved her. But now, her relationships are hollow, pointless. I always thought that unless I’m married to someone, no one will ever really love me. They won't stick around. Without marriage, nothing is set in stone.

Then Edward appeared, the first person to ever try to get to know me. Really get to know me. Sure there was a string of doctors at one stage who all thought they could become my best friend and find a way to ‘get through to me’ and ‘cure’ me. But none of them were sincere. I’m starting to think Edward really likes talking to me, especially seeing as this is the third day in a row he’s been here. And I can’t help think that maybe he’s the exception to the rule.

But no. He’s going to leave me as well. He’s leaving in two days, and then I’ll never see him again. It just goes to show that without marriage, you can’t trust anyone. However I’m too invested in Edward to stop. There’s no way I can give this up, even though I only have a little time left with him. Before he leaves me. Before he goes home and forgets about me.

I’m so focussed on my own thoughts and trying to avoid looking at Edward that his reply startles me a bit.

“You will, some day.” I let out a very unattractive snort of derision. My voice comes out bitter.

“What makes you so certain?”

“Because anyone who misses the chance to get to know you is a fool.” His reply seems so honest that I can’t help but believe him. Two sides of me are battling. One side wants to give in a launch myself at him, trying to fulfill this need I have to be loved. The other side keeps reminding me that I only get to have him for two more days.

Once again, things get too much. Everythings tumbling and swirling round in my head, making it hard for me to make sense of it. Instead of shutting down again, I divert.

“What’s your full name.” Edward smiles, as if he knows what my plan is.

“Edward Anthony Cullen.”

“How old are you?”

“26.”

“Why do you work at a hospital even though you're not a doctor?” He looks a bit thrown off. In some way it’s nice to know that I also have the power to stun him into silence, like he seems to do to me so often. He contemplates my question for a second before answering.

“Well, I was PreMed in college, trying to follow in the footsteps of my father. I thought my parents would be more proud of me if I did, even though the whole time they were telling me to do what I love. I managed to graduate in three years, and went straight to Medical school. I did the first two years, but when I started my clinical rotations I realised that I wasn’t really where I wanted to be. I guess I found it hard to look at all the people that were sick and dying and try to tell myself that we can only do so much. I stuck with it for a bit, but my pediatrics rotation was my undoing. After a very public breakdown, my Dad convinced me that I wasn’t really happy. So, I dropped out.”

“What? You just dropped out and they didn’t mind?” His face lights up in a sweet smile.
“As I said before, all my parents want is for me to be happy. They love me no matter what I decide to do with my life.”

“But...” All I can think about is what Mother would say if I did something against her wishes, or I did something she didn’t approve of. She would definitely not be happy.

“Bella, there is one very important thing you should know.” I can’t help but look up at him. His expression his so serious, but his eyes are still light and kind. Not like Mothers eyes. Mothers eyes are always cold or angry. He leans towards me, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Parents should always love their children unconditionally, no matter what. If they don’t, they're not very good parents.”

I let his words sink in for a bit. It’s hard to believe them at first, but the way he says them makes me think. I always thought that it was my fault Mother never loved me. I tried to be good for her, but no matter what I did she was always angry or annoyed at me. It never really occured to me that the fault might be on her end. I always compared Mother to other families and the only difference I could ever see...was me.

“It’s different though. I’m different.” I try to explain to him. “She can’t love me, because no one can.”

Edward sits back, shaking his head.

“I don’t believe that.”

I have to change the subject.

“What’d you do after you dropped out of Med school?”

He’s caught on by now, he knows about my diversion mechanisms. But he indulges me.
“I went back to college. When I studied originally my Minor was Accounting. I’d always been really good with numbers. I went back and finished a degree and Accounting and Management. I graduated just last year, and went straight to working at the hospital. I still get to help people, in the best way I can. With numbers.” I can’t help but match his smile. “My medical background is perfect, because I can come on trips like this and be able to decide, not only if we can afford the equipment, but if the equipment is what we really need for the health of our patients.”

“You really love your job.” It was so obvious, his enthusiasm was intoxicating. His smile gets even wider.

“I really do.”

I can’t help but think over everything he’s said. Some things still baffle me. But it’s clear that he loves his parents and, from the way he talks about them, I know they love him too. I can’t help but hope that what he says is true. That it’s Mother's fault that she doesn’t love me, not mine. It’s weird to think this, and I’m not entirely sure that I believe it yet, but I know that if anyone could convince me it was true, it would be Edward.

It’s another little change in my thought process, one that joins all the others I’ve had since meeting Edward.

“Hey Edward?” He meets my gaze unflinchingly.

“Yes Bella?”

“I think...” I swallow quickly, trying to get the words out. “I don’t think Mother is a very good parent.”

Edward pauses for a minute before smiling gently at me, his eyes becoming glazed and watery, full of emotion. He stands up, and I can’t help but think he’s going to leave me, just after I’ve had this big epiphany. Instead, he pulls his chair around the coffee table like yesterday. He sits down again, then gently picks up my hand to lace his fingers in between my own. I can’t help but grasp his hand tightly, clinging to it like a lifeline. Almost against my control my head drops down to rest gently on his shoulder. I can feel him lean his own head on mine as he breathes out a sigh and whispers quietly into my hair.

“I don’t think she is either.”

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