Sadness in a Teacup

OK. First off I want to say that I am very aware that this blog reaches a very limited readership, as in so limited that I've almost stopped bothering about it. My overall plan was to post my Fanfictions on here so people could read them here if they so wished. I probably will keep going, just for the sake of it. To the few people who do frequent this blog, thanks for stopping by. To just see that there has been a few page views is pretty awesome. Makes my day :)

On another note, I have so much going on in my life at the moment that I feel the need to let it out somehow. I figure I may as well use this blog for something.

Has anyone out there ever been in a situation where someone, who at one point you thought you could trust so deeply and truly, has began to treat you like shit in a shoebox? I'm sure it's not just me, there has to be more people out there, but at this very moment it seems like I am utterly and completely alone.

We were best friends right through high school, and last year, which was our first year at University. But when her and another high school friend banded together it just kinda went downhill from there. I swear at one point I was actually excited to move in with both of them, but that feeling is so far in the past that I don't think I could find it with a shovel and a big hot hunky guy to dig for me. In this past month or so I have been called names, belittled, yelled at, insulted, locked out of my house, and ignored for weeks on end. And in the last 24 hours I've had my heart ripped from my chest, while those two dance around it in glee. I swear they actually enjoy it. I've had times were I've been sad. I've also had times where I've been more than sad. It's a bad feeling, to feel like there's no way out. It gets to the point where I begin to wonder what depression feels like, if it feels anything like this. Then I try to snap myself out of it. I don't want to go there.

I have cried. A lot. I've also been angry. I don't know which is worse. I feel like if I get too lost in the anger that I'll start using it as a weapon, start doing things that I'll be ashamed of later. I don't want to stoop to their level. But on the flip side, I feel like if I let them see me cry, I'll just be letting them win.

I always knew that bullying can destroy people, but I now understand that it's so much more painful if the abuse is coming from people that know you inside and out. They know all the sweet spots to hit, all the places to target to bring you straight down.

I finally told them how I felt yesterday. I wrote everything down. I wanted to be strong and do it face to face, but I've found out in the past that they are particularly masterful at convincing me that every thing is my fault whenever there's a confrontation. It took me days after the last time we'd talked to figure it out, to figure out that the way I was acting was perfectly normal, no matter what they tried to make me believe. When people that I thought were my friends use me, ignore me, attack me, I know that it's ok to be hurt and upset. I thought a letter would be the best way, but the letter I got in return effected me far more than it should have. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought. Those balls I thought I'd grown were just imaginary.

I have to hope that it's going to work out. But things will never be the same again. In the last 24 hours I went from believing that there may be a chance of working things out with them, to knowing that I may never be able to forgive them for as long as I live.

I guess I needed a way to let all this out. I'm kinda glad no one reads this stupid thing, but it's nice to know it's out there somewhere. I've had complete writers block for a while. Maybe this cathartic release will inspire me to crank something out. Who knows.

If anyone made it to the end of this pitiful rant, thanks for reading.

Secret

Welcome!

Hello! Welcome to the official blog of the fan fiction author xXHiddenSecretXx! Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Firstly I'd like to say thanks for coming over and checking it out. I'm primarily doing this for myself, as a way to get my fan fictions out there a bit more, and hopefully interact with readers. Currently I'm working on Normality, a multi chapter fic which is about, of course, Edward and Bella.
As of right now, I have absolutely no experience with blogging (except for scoping out a few other authors, such as Wide Awake's angstgoddess003 and CWIA's hunterhunting). Hopefully I'll get things looking a bit more spiffing soon!

That's all from me, have a great day, and happy reading!

Secret xoxo